Titles were never my forte

Hello again, sports fans. I know it's been a while since I last blogged, partly because I've been occupied, partly because I've been a wee bit exhausted, and partly because I never got around to typing up a well-thought comeback to DrO's post. Curses!

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Over the course of the past week, I've encountered at least three race-related incidents. I do indeed hope these things happen in threes, which would then mean that I could take a small little breather in a few days. In the meantime, I plan on posting three stories, one each day from June 19 to June 21, illustrating what weird curve has been happening to me since last Thursday.

So, without further adieu, I present the first of three race-related events that have stroked my brain and have, maybe temporarily, changed the way I think.

***Event 1***

Date: Thursday, June 15, 2006
Setting: In front of the Tribune Tower, south end of the Magnificent Mile in downtown Chicago

I was walking up the Mile, getting ready for another routine, mundane day of work. I felt energized -- I had just woken up from a brief nap in the warm sun at Millennium Park. I had my favorite pair of sunglasses on and I really liked how my shirt fit on me (further proof of my vanity for those who still think I'm a person with some sort of depth). Everyone I passed was either a person looking bored trying to head to an office, or a person who was simply having fun sightseeing and shopping. All seemed well enough.

Then I hear someone yelling out "Hey, ASIAN! HEY, ASIAN!!"

The words snapping my head to attention, I looked around for the source. Apparently it was a blonde, teenage Caucasian girl coming right for me in a quick pace. "Hey, ASIAN!" she shouted again, surely gaining my attention. She was surrounded by her entourage, who I think were all between the ages of 15 and 17.

The tone and volume she yelled at got my heart pumping. I was surely encountering a group of ignorant kids that wanted to pick a fight with me.

"YOU'RE HOT! I THINK YOU'RE CUTE, ASIAN!! YEAH!"

She then passed me by and waved at me. My heartbeat started to slow down, as the only thing I could say was "Uhhh... why, thank you." And I hurried off.

The incident has stayed in my mind for two reason:
1. That's the first time anyone's called me hot. At least, in recent memory.
2. If I had assumed another way, or not made any hasty judgements, maybe I would've been flattered. But as it is, hearing a loud, shrill voice repeatedly yelling out "HEY, ASIAN" got me so scared and riled up that any blood that would've rushed up to my cheeks in a blush, instead rushed to my gut and released the butterflies in it.

Honestly, I didn't know what to get out of the incident back then, and I don't know what to make of it now. While, yes, it was nice to be acknowledged as attractive (I credit the aforementioned sunglasses, btw, I can't help but wonder if I was deemed hot for all the wrong reasons.

Then again, if she had just yelled out, "I think you're hot!" then maybe she wouldn't have gotten my attention in the first place (yet would've gotten all the other guys' attention instead). There could've been more constructive ways of getting my attention, such as tapping me on my shoulder or waving at me or maybe yelling out "Hey, dork in the glasses! I think you're hort!" Maybe yelling out Asian was the first thing that came to her mind. Whatever the case may be, I kind of hope that I don't have to encounter anything like that anytime soon, no matter how well the intent is.

http://videosift.com/story.php?id=974

She hit damn near every point that was ever raised about journalistic integrity. So much for facism, as long as vigilant warriors continue to use the ammo of the mind rather than the quick-draw. (the look on Logan's face about Laura Ingraham's 8-day stay is priceless, too)

In other news, Ingraham's ex-fiance dumped her for Katie Couric. Weird, huh?

And certainly in a more heroic, more fantastical, overall more bad-ass light.

Download 'Sanctuary' by Utada Hikaru and play Kingdom Hearts II. That's all I have to say.

In you and I there's a new land,
Angels in flight
My sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music inside
What's left of me
What's left of me now


I watch you fast asleep,
All I fear means nothing


In you and I there's a new land,
Angels in flight
My sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music inside
What's left of me
What's left of me now


My heart is a battleground


You show me how to see,
That nothing is whole and nothing is broken,


In you and I there's a new land
Angels in flight
My sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music inside
What's left of me
What's left of me now

My fears, my lies
Melt away...

I just like the picture. The look on Buster and Babs' faces is priceless.

A brief thought: I really really like the term 'Vigilante Poet.' It just sounds as if Batman or the Punisher, the best fictional vigilantes, are up on stage, performing to some bongos in a smoke-filled underground bar while getting his Bat-lyrics down. Maybe Prince should come back to the Bat-Cave!

*****

Further proof that God can read my mind:

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, though I didn't go to church. I figured I should give up something for Lent anyway to try and make up for it, but I didn't know just what to give up. I woke up this morning and I came up with a great idea: I should give up soda. No more Coke, Pepsi, Sprite, etc. etc. I knew I could last 40 days. Plus, it would cut down on my sugar intake (always healthy) and I could break off my dependence on soft drinks. Yep, Lent would be my way to get back in shape.

The first seven hours of my day went by pretty well without a hitch. I went to work, and my manager asked me to help him out on a special little project.

We went into the break room to get started, and what did I see? Five full cases of Diet Pepsi. Apparently, there was a small party yesterday at work (I didn't go because I was off for the day), and all the Diet Pepsi was leftover.

I looked up for a brief moment. I knew something was up. I only had to work a quick four-hour shift today, but my mind was stuck on the situation, and it didn't help that I was in the break room for 90 minutes with the boxes not five feet away from me. Was this some sort of Divine Intervention designed to test my resolve and my resistance to temptation? To see if I could stick to my promise? Or was this some weird coincidence, a fart of fate that just happened to be at the right place at the wrong time? That's right, I'm deep like that.

Right before punching out, what did I do? That's right. I snuck back upstairs and took enough to ensure that I will never be thirsty for quite sometime.



Sooooo... does anyone have any ideas on what I should give up now?

In light of the revelation that the Puma brand tends to do some not-so-ethical things, that Eddie Bauer, Tommy Hilfigger, and Abercrombie & Fitch employ slave labor, and that McDonald's has lied about what makes up their french fries, I've been thinking about my role as a consumer and how that role relates to societal changes brought upon by giant corporations.

I say this because, well, dammit, Jim Oberweis makes some damn good iced tea. I don't care about his politics anymore now that I've tried his tea. And it is good. Oh so very good.

If he ever runs for office again, I will not vote for him. But if he showers this state with free iced tea, he may very well get the popular vote.

*****

Speaking of ice...

I know the Winter Olympics have been boring, and I know everyone's been talking about how boring they've been. Didja know that the Closing Ceremonies lost out to America's Funniest Home Videos in the ratings? WOW. I'm just not sure what to make of the figures. What does this mean?!


*****

In further international news...

I remember not two years ago, I was in a lively discussion about Filipino politics and culture with some people who were my age (mind you, I don't know much about the subject, but it was a decent talk). However, the discussion got nasty once I started criticizing certain aspects of those politics and culture. I was accused of hating my country and my identity, and that I had sold out to try and sound more intellectual than I actually was. Apparently, it was the same mindset that dictated "If you're not with us, you're against us." Basically, anyone who criticized the way Filipinos run the government is a betrayal of Filipinos around the world.

However, two years later, after the 2004 voting scandal, the Hello Garci scandal, a popularity rating in the negative digits (how the hell do you come up with THOSE numbers? Or, more importantly, how in the world do you let your popularity rating drop below zero? It's like you owe points to Time/CNN and Gallup, and now a coup d'etat with a declaration of a State of Emergency, it seems that, yes, I've been proven right. It took roughly two years, but I think it's safe to say that I was right all along.

Now, if only I could remember who I was arguing against. I can't really be smug in their faces if I haven't seen them in two years. Grr! Petty vengence escapes me yet again.

*****

Quote above by Walt Whitman, my favorite poet/quotant quotable.

*****

I came home after being away for a while again. Lo and behold, when I walked in the door, my mom presented me with something that I didn't think I'd see for quite some time: my diploma. Yes, it's always nice to say that you're done, but then to actually see the confirmation in front of you in your hands is to bring about a whole new kind of realization that can only be experienced, even if it's for a split-second.

Unfeeling for the rest of that morning (as I only had four hours of sleep), when the afternoon came, I nearly broke down in tears. All because of that little, crisp piece of paper.

*****

I haven't posted on LJ for a while because I think I took the attitude that I should wait for something to happen to me. Of course, I didn't actively think that, so I suppose the thought was all subconscious. However, after noticing that other people were living more eventful lives, I thought to myself that I should make things happen. I suppose that's as good a resolution as any, though I wish I had started this back in January.

Then again, if I did list 'initiate action' as a New Year's Resolution, there's a very good chance that I wouldn't have lived up to it, and that I would've broken the resolution in record time. I have this belief that 99% of all Resolutions are doomed to fail, and in that belief I suppose I also have something of a self-defeating mechanism in my head.

But then, after reading other people's LJs, I kept seeing all these beautiful or tragic events happening to friends of mine, and for good or for bad, I wanted a piece of the action. Marlon's LJ lists a poem a day, and I initially kept up starting from day 1. Imagine my horror when I realize that he's up to 23 poems as of this writing. That's 23 days that's passed by without me thinking twice about doing anything active, and for me that amount of time spent seems pretty frightening.

*****

Yes, yes, I realize that I make super-long posts, but I ain't gonna stop. Nosiree-bob.

*****

If I had to sum up everything in my head right now, it's the issue of time. The time it took to earn that diploma; what I've been doing with my life in the span of 23 days; the time it takes to read my posts; Walt Whitman, a man for time.

That said, and I guess what I was trying to get to by talking about my diploma first, is that I'm feeling a sense of worry and pressure with the job hunt. I love my job at Water Tower, since I get to meet more people and it perfectly plays up my personality-change from last year (I dunno, from dorky to dorky-corny?). Lately, I've been encountering more and more people my age who've started or are already established in their careers, and I feel like I'm in the dust. Refusing to just sit back and let things flow, I've tried to become more aggressive in whatever I do. I'll always be a Type B personality, but let's see if I can infuse some Type A in there as well.

If time tells anything, I suppose it'll tell how successful I'll be with this approach.

www.gizoogle.com

If you ever need to use a search engine, use this one. Not that Google shit. That's all there is to it!

For example, I did a search for livejournal. The following are the first three items:

LiveJournizzle
LiveJournizzle is a place where you can share yo thoughts wit tha world.
www.livejournal.com/ - 18k
Cached - Similar Pages - View Normally

Create New Journal
Spendin' a new LiveJizzle is easy, jiznust follow tha instructions below! Username:. Each LiveJournizzles user mizzy have they own unique username. ...
www.livejournal.com/create.bml - 12k
Cached - Similar Pages - View Normally

`bout LiveJizzle
Here's an overview of tha features that makes LiveJizzles interest'n

Your Birthdate: December 23

You're not good at any one thing, and that's the problem. You're good at so much - you never know what to do. Change is in your blood, and you don't stick to much for long. You are destined for a life of travel and fun. Your strength: Your likeability Your weakness: You never feel satisfied Your power color: Bright yellow Your power symbol: Asterisk Your power month: May

*****

Isn't it funny that my power symbol is the Asterisk? Perhaps that explains all those lines.

The cover of 'Hurt' by Johnny Cash is just that damn addicting. I can't stop listening to it.

*****

In the time that I've been away, a good number of things have happened with such an alarming rate that I can't believe they actually *did* happen weeks ago. It's all kind of hard to believe, that I've come out fairly unscathed, but hopefully as a better person nonetheless. And all those memories are rapidly leaving my close-to-ADD brain that was once called a luscious memory. Have my synapses withered and shriveled and gone kaput? Hopefully not. Due to the weather and me missing the YAWP ice-skating event due to me losing my wisdom teeth, my mind goes back to the times in the 3rd grade when I'd go ice-skating, going as fast as I can and then just gliding while my hair and my worries flutter in the wind. But for now, I'll just type up some first-come-first-serve thoughts as they pop up to the mass of grey matter known as my frontal lobe.

Hey, it's 4 am and I can't sleep.

*****

I recently got some closure on a subject that had been haunting me for two years now. And while I think I should be reacting even worse at such a personal matter, I do feel some relief that, yes, I do get some closure. It's difficult to convey the idea while being so very vague about it, but I'm worried that typing out specific details would only put me into a deeper funk. Regardless, in thinking back on the entire situation these past few months, I hope and pray that I've learned a thing or two about myself and how to become a better person because of it.

There is the fear within me, though, that deep down, I'm an unfeeling, emotionless, weird gestalt of disinterest. Or maybe that I just faced something down without even realizing the possible consequences of such a closure.

I hope I'm not life's comedian who can't laugh at his own jokes. (I'm not even sure if that makes any sense, but I wanted to sound somewhat surrealistic. So bah.)

*****

Additionally, I wasn't even aware of post-graduate syndrome. I say this because I felt like I've been in a funk lately. I talked to Helene about it, who first informed me about the syndrome, and, to get a second-opinion, I sought out Seun, who concurred (Good Lord...That's one of my longest sentences ever). Apparently, I've got the double-whammo of not only finding a new goal in life, but that I'm also subconsciously trying to prove myself as an adult now. I always knew it was a scary world out there, but I always brushed it off. And yet, I'm finding out that there's more to life than just taking on life itself head-on.

I suppose part of the problem was that when I was in school, my focus was on graduating. Now that I achieved that, there's the interesting dichotomy of not having a giant immediate goal while at the same time having a goal so great that it was almost frightening to start.

I asked myself, 'Why haven't I noticed this happening with the friends of mine who graduated before me?' Perhaps they masked it with happy-cheeryness. Maybe they had it momentarily and shrugged it off. I hope I'm the latter. I would really hate to be one of those types who dwell on it for nine months straight. I might as well try to nip the worry in the bud ASAP.

*****

In seeking advice from friends who have already graduated, I've noticed quite a bit of change in a few of them. That's to be expected, and I think I'll change, too. Whatever. Most of them have changed for the better. There *is* one friend that bothers me, though.

He who shall remain nameless landed one HELL of a job a few months ago. Hell, he just got promoted a few weeks ago, and he's quickly climbing up the ladder, so more power to him. He fits the label 'Young Professional' to a T.

It's just that, when I met him, he was one of the most idealistic, wide-eyed go-getters ever. He was very ambitious, but he made it a point to remain good-hearted. However, the advice he gave me, while sort of cliche, was spoken with such force, determination, and a kind of bitterness that I couldn't help but think about Gordon Gecko from the movie 'Wall Street' (If you haven't seen it, watch it. It's one of the classics of the 80s, a movie that made America, at least 1980s America, take a look at itself in the mirror).

Gordon Gecko, played with such ferocity by Michael Douglas, has a rant which I kept replaying in my head while my friend endowed me with his 'seasoned' advice:

'The point is ladies and gentlemen that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of it's forms - greed for life, for money, knowledge - has marked the upward surge of mankind and greed - you mark my words - will not only save Teldar Paper but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you.'

*****

Rather than end this entry on a low note, however, I will talk about the weekend.

My brother, my baby-brother who my friends say is hot and thus is one of the reasons why I don't bring my friends over to my parents' house in the first place (Grr! I'm hot in my own way, dammit!), turned 19 on Saturday.

I'm too young to be thinking about age in a negative way, but age didn't sink in until late Saturday night. My family and I went out to eat at Big Bowl (We were the only family there. The entire place was filled with yuppies, but then I guess it's good that we kids are all grown up to even look like them). I came straight from work, so me in all black, I looked like a stuck-up, uptight Art Nouveau expert. Or Mike Myers' Dieter from SNL.

We ate, we laughed, we went home. We started playing card games and it reminded me of how we weren't as dysfunctional as I thought we were when I was in High School. We rarely have family moments, and it was nice to get it.

So Mom breaks out the wine coolers and we start gambling (With poker chips, silly rabbits. We're all broke. It was a good meal.), and then it hits me: all five of us are drinking and gambling. We've never done that before (and, y'know, what's a more wholesome family activity than drinking and gambling?). Ah, it just shows how time is catching up, that time is the catalyst for realization. The youngest one of us has joined in.

After losing to Dad repeatedly at Black Jack, we all decide that we're done with cards. Dad leaves and puts on some silk PJs that he got for Christmas. Mom said he looked cute. I said he looked like Kim Jong-Il.

Anyway, we go to Scrabble. And we're laughing at all the BS words we make up, but a few times down the line, Mom starts to comment about how she's getting old. For once, perhaps thanks to what happened earlier, I sympathize with her. It doesn't help that we're playing in the family room, where there are pictures of my sister and me at ages of 7-9 months and 3 years, respectively. Our faces are so full of innocence and goodness, with saucer-shaped eyes that show a promising future and great potential.

(tense shift)

I stayed at my parents' house for the entire weekend. I couldn't help but keep myself fixated on those pictures (why did we put the video games in there? Stupid PS2 and your load times! My eyes wandered). There's something of a void in me, and it may sound stupid or shallow, but I feel like the way to fill in that void is to stay true and keep the promise that is my future. Whatever that may be.

Thanks to being a self-confessed Trekkie, I always fancied myself as an explorer. One of my teachers told me that we're all time-travellers; we're just stuck on forward, always going to the future. I guess, if you put the two together, I'm exploring the unknown that is my future, and even though it scares the Hell out of me, I'm very much interested to see what the future holds for me in the stars.

*****

Actually, now I'm in the mood for ice-skating. There is no emote for LJ to show that. But anyway, who wants to go?

Optipessimism.

If you look it up in the dictionary, you find a picture of a giant question mark.